Have you heard of the grief analogy about a ball in a box? Imagine life as a box. Inside this box are two things: a pain buzzer and a ball of grief. When we first experience loss, that ball is big and heavy and it may feel like it is always pressed up against that button. This makes us feel like the hurt is never-ending.
Over time, however, that grief ball shrinks. It doesn’t bump against the buzzer as often, so the pain is no longer constant. But, the ball never disappears completely, and the pain buzzer remains. Even a smaller ball can hit it, and when it does the hurt can feel just as sharp and painful as it did in the beginning. This is why grief can resurface, the ball may be smaller, but it never leaves the box.
Grief Anniversaries
Anniversaries in particular, are a time these “grief balls” can crash into that pain buzzer.. These dates might be tender for you, and it might feel like that ball grew all over again. Since grief isn’t something you magically just “get over”, anniversaries have the ability to stir up strong emotions and memories that can feel as raw and painful as the day of our loved one’s death. Though our ability to handle it may get better with time, anniversaries can impact us in different ways. And sometimes, these anniversaries, and the feelings around them, can sneak up on us.
How Do Anniversaries Sneak Up On Us?
There is no road map for grief. It doesn’t follow a straight line. Some days or weeks might be better than others. Though it might not be on the forefront of your mind, memories and feelings are carried with us in our minds and bodies. It might show up in our bodies before our minds even have the chance to make the connection. We might start feeling tired, more irritable or sadder than usual and not realize that an anniversary is around the corner.
Memory and senses are so intimately connected, and anniversaries can be tied to sensory cues. Seemingly small things, like the cool autumn breeze or changing of the leaves, songs, and foods can cause emotional reactions without us even realizing it at first.
Common Reactions To Grief Anniversaries
- Feeling “off”
- Irritability, frustration, sadness
- Wanting to withdraw or isolate from others or stop routine
- Physical symptoms: fatigue, muscle tension, headaches
Ways To Cope
Name It
Sometimes just naming what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it can bring us relief. Say something to yourself like “My grief ball is bumping into the pain button again, this experience makes sense”
Create Rituals
Rituals allow us to remain connected to our loved ones. It can look different for everyone. Maybe it’s eating your loved ones favorite meal, lighting a candle, or doing something they enjoyed doing. Perhaps you want to write them a letter updating them on your life without them. While rituals don’t erase the pain we feel, they allow us to create new forms of connection with it.
Give Yourself What You Need
Give yourself grace and allow yourself to meet whatever needs you have. Some years and anniversaries you may want solitude, and others you may want to celebrate their lives with others. Both are okay, there’s no right or wrong way to honor your loved one or this day. There is only the way that feels the most right and compassionate to you.
Lean Into Others
Allow your support systems to be there for you. Speaking with friends, family members, or a therapist helps relieve the burden of your pain while actively keeping memories and connections with your loved one alive. Through these conversations, you integrate their love and memory into your present life. Those who listen become your partners in preserving the legacy and impact of the person you miss.
Allow Yourself To Enjoy Life:
While anniversaries may be painful, they might not always be. It is entirely okay, and even encouraged, to also allow yourself to feel and express moments of joy, warmth, and love on these significant dates. Being human means we often feel multiple ways about something at once. Which means that grief and joy can, and frequently do, coexist. Instead of viewing an anniversary as a rigid commemoration of loss, we can reframe it as a flexible and heartfelt reminder of the profound love, connection, and happiness that you experienced with your loved one.
Finding Love And Memories In Grief Anniversaries
Anniversaries remind us that we continue to carry the love and memories of our loved ones. The ball may hit that pain button hard, but with awareness, meaning, and support these days can become less surprisingly painful, and more intentional.
Grief Counseling in Scotch Plains, NJ is Available
Brave Minds is here to provide compassionate support as you navigate the complex journey of grief and loss. When anniversaries bring unexpected waves of emotion, or when that grief ball seems to hit the pain button more frequently than you can handle, you don’t have to face it alone.
You deserve support through your grief journey. Follow these simple steps to begin healing:
- Reach out for a free phone consultation with a grief specialist who understands the nonlinear nature of loss and healing
- Start meeting with a therapist who recognizes that grief looks different for everyone and knows how to honor your unique experience
- Begin developing personalized coping strategies and rituals that help you maintain connection with your loved one while building resilience for the future
Support for the Symptoms of Grief
At Brave Minds, we understand that grief touches every part of life and affects entire families. Beyond specialized grief counseling, we offer:
- Family therapy and couples counseling to help partners support each other through shared and individual losses
- EMDR therapy for processing traumatic grief and complicated bereavement
- Individual therapy for depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns that often accompany grief
Building this comprehensive support network ensures you have the tools and guidance needed to honor your grief while moving forward with compassion, understanding, and renewed strength.
