I’ve discussed before the idea of language as a superpower. When I introduce this idea to parents, they want to know: what does this look like in real life? Or better, how exactly do I do this? To help answer that question, I am going to refer to the great Tina Fey.
In Tina Fey’s book Bossypants, she outlines the rules for improvisational acting. In her never-ending brilliance, Tina Fey explains how to apply the basic rules of improv to the challenges of daily living.
In addition to being helpful for daily life, these rules are a helpful outline for how to use validation skills. Because, let’s be real, if there was ever a situation that required you to pivot and respond to the chaos of a moment, parenting is it. Staying calm when your child is in full meltdown mode, refusing to put on their second shoe, when you are already five minutes late – that is the ultimate improv scene.
Let’s look at how Fey’s explanations of rules for improvisation help build these validation language skills. (Also, I highly recommend her book, especially the audio version read by her!)
Tina Fey’s Rules of Improv, According to an NJ Child Therapist
Rule One: “Start with a YES and see where that takes you.”
When helping to regulate your child, start with the yes. This word is the heart of validation. It tells your child, “You are seen, and your emotions have value”. The word “yes” creates a space for your child’s needs and emotional experiences to exist without expectation, guilt, or shame. When helping a child to regulate, we always start with yes.
Yes, that hurts.
Yes, that is horrible.
Yes, I can see your pain.
Rule Two: “The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES,
AND.”
“To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. It’s your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.”
We can break this concept into parts.
First, remember you are the parent- “your initiations are worthwhile”. Your child came to you for support and comfort. You have value to provide here; you know your child best. So we start with the yes.
“Yes, you are having a bad day…”
Once we have validated with the yes, we contribute. Don’t be afraid to contribute. When we contribute, we are adding something to the discussion. The trick is what to add, and how to ensure we are adding to the conversation in a way that opens the door.
Words such as “but” or “why”, going off into a monologue, or offering a solution too soon, can shut down the conversation.
Rather, the goal is to contribute to the exploration of the emotion(s) present and offer comfort as needed. This can come in many forms. We can:
- Sit in silence and make space for emotions
- Provide words of comfort
- Ask open ended questions
The goal is to open a connection to help your child express their emotions and internal needs. Phrases that add to the discussion:
- “What do you need?”
- “I know you are hurting.”
- “What do you think will help?”
Your child is most likely not that different from you or your spouse. Think of your own childhood– what were the words of comfort you wanted to hear, or questions or sentences you would have rather heard? If you can, take time and reflect on what you would have wanted to hear. Make a note of these and pull them out the next time you need them.
Rule Three: “The next rule is MAKE STATEMENTS.”
This is a positive way of saying “Don’t ask questions all the time.” If we’re in a scene and I say, “Who are you? Where are we? What are we doing here? What’s in that box?” I’m putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers. In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles. We’ve all worked with that person. That person is a drag. It’s usually the same person around the office who says things like “There’s no calories in it if you eat it standing up!” and “I felt menaced when Terry raised her voice.”
Going to break this concept into two parts:
First- Make statements rather than ask questions.
You have validated, and opened the door with “yes and”. Next, resist the urge to fire off a string of questions. “What happened? Why did they do that? What did you say? What are you going to do?” It sounds like an interrogation, even when it comes from love.
Instead, narrate what you’re hearing. Reflect it back. Make statements.
Your child has their own point of view on the world and is working to figure out how to express that and themselves. Battering your child with questions can become overwhelming. Rather, narrate back what you hear your child is saying or expressing.
“It sounds like that really hurt.”
“You weren’t expecting that from them.”
“That was a lot to deal with.”
The object here is not for you to have the answer. It is for your child to identify how they feel, express their emotions and needs, and use these to begin to find a solution or work towards acceptance. You’re not trying to have the answers here. You’re holding up a mirror so your child can see their own experience more clearly — and start to find their own words for it.”
Remember, we are using these moments to help support our child and teach them skills. Here, we want to teach the child how to identify their emotions, and what they need to regulate.
Second- “Whatever the problem, be part of the solution.”
Ok, we have opened the conversation and given space for the child to express their needs, now you can take an active role. Determine how you can advocate for your child. Or better, try to determine how your child wants you to advocate for them. This can be tricky, say your child is being bullied in school. You may want to call the school or have your child make an HIB report. Your child wants to deal with this without involving the school. Navigating this moment leads us to…
Rule Four: “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities.”
Maybe you didn’t call the school and report the HIB and the situation happened again. Take a moment to sit with your child and discuss the outcome of the first choice. Now you have the opportunity to consider what other options or choices they want to make. Life is about learning to navigate the never ending chaos. We do this by trying, failing, and learning. You and your child try one approach, learn from the experience, and use this as an opportunity to help your child learn for the future.
Improv for Emotional Validation 
Congratulations, you have now graduated from the Therapy School of Improv. Remember, you do not have to have the answers to everything; you just need to be there to listen and validate your child’s own experiences in the world.
Ready to Master These Skills? Meet with a NJ Parent Coach!
Learning to validate your child in the heat of the moment takes practice and you don’t have to figure it out alone. At Brave Minds Psychological Services, our therapists work with parents and children to build the emotional language and regulation skills that help families navigate anxiety, big feelings, and everyday chaos with more confidence and less struggle. Whether you’re looking for
- Parent coaching to put these strategies into practice at home
- Support for a child struggling with anxiety or emotional dysregulation
- Specialized care for selective mutism or social anxiety
- EMDR to help process difficult experiences
- Guidance through grief and life transitions
We’re here to help.
Reach out and schedule a consultation today, and let’s start building your family’s toolkit for connection and calm.
