When we think of grief, we often think of it as something that happens after we lose someone. However, we can feel grief before the loss ever happens. Anticipatory grief, or the grief we feel before an actual loss is incredibly common, but rarely talked about and often overlooked. For some, they may not even realize that there’s a name for what they’re feeling. They just know that something feels heavy, overwhelming and emotional.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is defined as grief that begins before a loss. We may experience it when a loved one is facing a terminal illness, cognitive decline (i.e. dementia), or some other life changing and life limiting condition. It’s the deep emotional pain we feel as we start to process the reality and finality that someone’s time with us is coming to an end. It can be a deeply confusing process with mixed emotions. While traditional grief begins after the loss, anticipatory grief continues to unfold while our loved one is still here, making it all the more painful and complicated.
Beyond Grieving Their Lives. We May Also Be Grieving:
- Who they used to be before their illness
- The future you may have imagined with them
- The change in your relationship dynamics
So, Why Don’t We Talk About Grief and Loss??
Sometimes people falsely believe that anticipatory grief isn’t real grief, because the loss hasn’t happened yet. Maybe you worry that you’re being too sensitive or dramatic or somehow grieving too soon. Some people, while maybe well-intentioned, may be dismissive of your pain by telling you to remain hopeful. We view grief as if we need death to happen first, but the truth is grieving can start the moment we realize change is happening. We start to emotionally and mentally prepare ourselves for the loss we know is imminent.
There may also be guilt that accompanies the grief. This is the complex part of anticipatory grief. We might feel guilty for grieving instead of just showing gratitude that our loved one is still here, or making the most of the time that they have left. We might tell ourselves that this isn’t about us, it’s about our sick loved one. And that we should feel ashamed for putting our feelings first. The reality is that there’s room for all of these feelings, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Grief and gratitude can coexist, and your feelings matter too.
You may feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster, and that your emotions can change on the daily. Every day can bring about different feelings. One day might be filled with deep sorrow and mourning. The next day, you might feel hopeful. Then the next you feel frustration, guilt and exhaustion. This can make it harder to talk about, because on any given day our feelings and perceptions can change. Much like traditional grief, anticipatory grief doesn’t follow a straight line. It’s often messy and unpredictable.
Anticipatory Grieving Symptoms
We all experience grief differently, but common signs may include:
- Mood swings/irritability
- Feeling emotionally drained or burnt out
- Anxiety/ worries about the future
- Dread or helplessness
- Difficulty concentrating
- Feeling disconnected
How To Support Yourself:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Name what you’re going through. Even if it feels like you’re expected to be strong and silent, let it be real.
Talk About It
Seek support with friends, family members, therapists or support groups who understand how complex this grief is.
Be Present
Even as you are bracing for change,try to stay present with your loved one. Enjoy the moments of connection, even if they aren’t profound or deep.
Be Kind To Yourself
Recognize that you are doing your best in spite of going through something incredibly difficult. Give yourself grace.
Anticipatory grief is real, valid and worth talking about. If you are working your way through this quiet heartbreak, know that you are not alone. There is space for all of your feelings. Anticipatory grief doesn’t mean you’ve given up, it means your heart is loving and letting go at the same time. It means that you’re human, and you care deeply and are processing the weight of what’s ahead.
Grief Counseling in NJ is Available 
Brave Minds is proud to provide compassionate support for those experiencing anticipatory grief. Facing the impending loss of a loved one means constantly living with emotional heaviness, uncertainty, and the weight of preparing for goodbye while still holding onto hope. The complex feelings of grief, guilt, and gratitude can feel overwhelming at times, leaving you isolated or unsure how to process what you’re experiencing.
Don’t let anticipatory grief consume your daily life. Follow these simple steps to start your journey toward healing and support:
- Reach out for a free phoneconsultation with a grief specialist who understands anticipatory loss
- Start meeting with a therapist who recognizes the unique complexity of grieving before loss occurs
- Begin building the emotional tools and coping strategies you need to navigate this difficult time with greater peace and resilience!
Call Brave Minds Psychological Services at 908-224-7727 today and discover how specialized grief therapy can help you honor your feelings while finding strength during this challenging journey.
Supporting Your Whole Family Through Anticipatory Grief
Beyond specialized anticipatory grief therapy, there are numerous resources and services designed to support those facing impending loss and their loved ones. At Brave Minds we understand that anticipatory grief affects entire family systems, which is why we offer:
- Family Therapy and couples counseling with therapists who understand the unique dynamics of anticipatory loss, helping address the strain that comes with caregiving responsibilities and the emotional weight of waiting.
- Therapy for children and teens who are struggling to understand and process their feelings about losing a grandparent, parent, or other loved one
- EMDR therapy for processing trauma related to watching someone decline
- Grief counseling to help work through complicated emotions of loving and letting go simultaneously.
Building this comprehensive support network during this tender time ensures that you and your family have the resources needed to not just endure this difficult journey, but find moments of connection, peace, and healing even in the midst of profound sadness.
