Insight from a Child Therapist in Branchburg NJ
Picture this: Your child is in the midst of an overwhelming meltdown. You’ve tried everything – reasoning, distracting, even pleading – but nothing seems to help. As their emotions escalate, you feel your own frustration rising, leaving you exhausted and wondering if you’re doing something wrong.
As a child therapist, I’ve had countless conversations with parents who feel exhausted, frustrated, and even helpless when it comes to helping their child manage big emotions. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve felt the same way at times.
Maybe your child has intense meltdowns, struggles with anger, or seems overwhelmed by anxiety. You might feel like nothing you do helps—or worse, that your own patience is wearing thin. First, let me say this: You are not alone. Parenting is hard, and supporting a child’s emotional regulation can feel like an uphill battle. The good news? There are ways to help your child build these critical skills while also maintaining your own well-being.
What is Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and respond to emotions in a healthy way. For many children, this is not an innate skill—it’s something they learn through experience, guidance, and practice. The part of the brain responsible for inhibiting and choosing appropriate behavior (the prefrontal cortex) is still developing well into young adulthood. This means that when your child is overwhelmed, they truly may not have the ability to calm down on their own yet. That’s where you come in as their co-regulator, helping to guide them through their emotions until they can manage them independently.
How To Teach Your Child To Regulate Their Emotions
It’s easy to assume that if we just explain to our children how to calm down, they’ll do it. But emotions don’t work that way, especially for young kids. When a child is dysregulated—whether that looks like a tantrum, withdrawal, or lashing out—their brain is in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. Logic and reasoning take a backseat to pure survival instincts. This is why saying things like “Just calm down” or “You’re overreacting” often doesn’t work.
What does work? Let’s dive into some practical strategies you can start using today.
1. Regulate Yourself First
One of the hardest but most important parts of helping a child regulate is managing your own emotions. If your child is screaming, it’s understandable that you might feel triggered yourself. However, your calm presence is the anchor your child needs. Take deep breaths, lower your voice, and remind yourself that your child is not giving you a hard time—they are having a hard time. Remember, you are the thermostat. You set the temperature of the room.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Before jumping into solutions, take a moment to recognize and acknowledge your child’s emotions. Rather than saying, “I see you’re upset,” state the fact directly: “You are upset.” Then, go further by acknowledgingthe situation itself: “This is upsetting.” This shifts the focus from just observing their feelings to expressing an understanding of why they’re feeling that way. Saying, “You were really excited about that, and now it’s not happening. I can see how that would be upsetting” helps your child feel heard and validated. Remember, it’s really upsetting for them. You sharing that their emotional experience is valid eases the way for the emotions to move through their system as opposed to getting stuck there. Sometimes you are the source of the upset. You might tweak your response to say, “You’re furious right now” or “I see that you are really sad about what happened.” For some children, it helps to attempt to pinpoint the emotion, but others feel misunderstood if you get it wrong and it can be better to say something like, “This doesn’t feel ok to you.” It’s ok to try out different phrasing to see what works for your child.
3. Create a Calm-Down Plan
When your child is already upset, it’s too late to teach new coping skills. Instead, work on a calm-down plan when they are regulated. Some strategies that work well include:
- Deep breathing exercises (e.g., “smell the flower, blow out the candle”)
- A designated calm-down space with cozy items (pillows, stuffed animals, or sensory toys)
- Movement activities like jumping, stretching, or squeezing a stress ball
- Listening to calming music or using guided meditations designed for kids
4. Use Co-Regulation Techniques
When your child is struggling, they need your support. Co-regulation means being physically and emotionally present to help guide your child back to a calmer state. This might look like:
- Sitting near them and offering a gentle touch if they are receptive
- Modeling slow, deep breaths and calm movements
- Speaking in a calm, rhythmic voice (“You’re safe. I’m here with you.”)
5. Teach Emotional Language
Children often act out because they don’t have the words to express their feelings. Helping your child name their emotions (e.g., “I see that you’re frustrated” or “You’re feeling disappointed”) builds their emotional intelligence. You can also use tools like emotion charts or books about feelings to reinforce this skill. A book that I frequently recommend is called The Color Monster: A Story about Emotions by Anna Llenas.
6. Set Clear and Compassionate Boundaries
While emotions are valid, not all behaviors are acceptable. Setting boundaries in a calm and consistent way teaches your child that they can have big feelings while still respecting limits. For example, “I see that you’re angry, but hitting is not okay. Let’s find another way to express how you feel.”
7. Praise Efforts, Not Just Outcomes
Learning to regulate emotions is a process, and your child won’t get it right every time. When they make an effort—whether it’s taking a deep breath instead of yelling or using their words instead of hitting—acknowledge it. Saying, “I saw how you took a deep breath when you were upset. That was a great way to calm down,” reinforces positive behavior. Acknowledge your own efforts to regulate. “I tried to take deep breaths to stay calm as I was cooking dinner, but I got so frustrated when it burnt that I threw a tantrum.” This shows how it is natural to have these moments but we have to re-regulate and talk about it.
A Guide to Progress, Not Perfection, From A Branchburg, NJ Child Therapist
While these strategies provide a foundation for supporting your child’s emotional growth, remember that this journey is unique for every family.
Helping your child regulate their emotions is not about achieving perfection—it’s about progress. Some days will be easier than others, and that’s okay. Your consistency, empathy, and support are what matter most. Remember, your child is still learning, and so are you. By practicing patience and using these strategies, you are giving your child the gift of lifelong emotional resilience.
If you ever feel overwhelmed, know that seeking support—whether from a therapist, parenting group, or trusted friend—is a sign of strength. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Even on the hardest days—the ones that stick with you because you didn’t show up how you wanted to—you’re still showing up. You’re human, and that matters more than perfection. What counts is your effort to repair and keep going
You’re doing an amazing job, even on the hardest days.
Does Your NJ Child Need Emotional Regulation Skills?
You’re not alone in this journey. Take the first step toward more peaceful parenting today. Not sure where to start? Talk one-on-one with a child therapist who can provide personalized guidance for your family’s specific challenges.
- Call us: Reach out at 908-224-7727 for a free consultation.
- Visit our office: Schedule an in-person visit to see our calming space and meet our caring therapists.
- Start the journey: Begin the process of helping your child express themselves and develop emotional regulation skills!
Remember: Every small step you take makes a difference. Your child’s emotional regulation journey starts with you, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Even More: Brave Minds Psychological Services offers Parent Coaching in NJ
At Brave Minds Psychological Services, we understand that emotional well-being takes many forms. The endless to-do lists and societal expectations to be the “perfect parent” can leave anyone feeling overwhelmed. Our team of compassionate therapists offers a wide range of specialized services to support individuals and families through various challenges. We offer parent coaching for those who feel like they need extra support in managing their child’s emotions. We also offer services for parents who may need support individually or with their partner. Anxiety support, Family counseling, and couples therapy are all available at Brave Minds. Reach out today to learn more about the other services we offer
