The Power of Emotional Validation - Brave Minds Psychological Services

Has this ever happened to you….

Today was a horrible day. Traffic into work was dreadful, that same person took your parking spot, again, and now your boss is breathing down your neck. So you do what you do, you reach out to your person.

You tell them what a horrible day you are having.

They respond back “I am sure it is not that bad” or “I know but it will get better.” And your heart sinks, you were looking for support, a “yea how dare they take your parking spot.” Instead you received a half hearted response that reads like a throw away line to calm you down rather than listen to you.

What about this…..

It has been three weeks since the first layoffs at your office and the work is pouring in. You are doing your best to manage all the expectations and still you are drowning. You don’t fully understand what is being asked of you and barely have time for lunch break.

You are telling your person this later that day.

They slowly begin to explain to you how you could have accomplished more tasks in a day. And your heart sinks, you were seeking a “I know it is hard”, and instead you were told how you could have done better.

In both of these situations, you wanted validation, not solutions. You needed someone to acknowledge your pain before offering any fixes or advice.

Now Does This Sound Familiar?

Your child comes home from school and tells you all the details of a fight they had on the playground. You listen intently as you make dinner and set the table. When they are done, you reassure them that everything will work out- people have fights with their friends all the time.

You offer sage advice from your own childhood.

Your child explodes! Screaming, calling you names- Out of NOWHERE! You are making them dinner, and listening to them talk, and their response is to scream.

The Pattern Behind the Struggle

From reading the stories above, you can guess what comes next. The reason your child is screaming, and what might be happening, is that your child’s heart is sinking. They were seeking to tell you about their pain, and you sought to solve the problem. Just like your person may have done to you.

And how could you not! You have all this life experience, you are witnessing your child in pain, it is your natural instinct as a parent to step in and solve the problem. Nothing wrong with wanting to help, right?

What if we redefine what we consider help?- Instead of making the problem disappear, we can focus on giving value to the problem itself.

Understanding That Language is a Superpower

It’s a fact that’s easy to forget–behind every problem is a deep-rooted emotion.

Yes, your child is telling you a story about a conflict with a friend. Underneath that story is a child who is experiencing deep uncertainty and sadness, all while learning how to manage conflict within relationships. Or your child is facing anxiety and fear, knowing they might have to stand up to a peer.

It is through language we can leave a place for the complexity of emotions associated with the minefield of “learning opportunities” we call childhood. This is where language becomes a superpower.

The first thing we must do, is validate the emotions your child is experiencing. Speak only to the emotion(s) present, avoid any judgment or shame that comes along with it. Give that emotion a name and place to exist. This magical step is the key to overcoming difficult experiences and making it out in one piece.

Putting on the Cape and Using Your Powers

How does one “name and validate emotions”?

Ok so what does this look like in real time? (Disclaimer: remember, these are examples to get you started. When you use these skills in the home, be yourself, rather than reading from a page).

The Dos:

Know and name your own needs in the situation. Seeing your child upset can provoke a sense of unease and anxiety. Take a moment to feel your own sadness towards the situation, and know it is ok to feel sad.
When speaking with your child, literally name the emotion present and nothing more. By speaking to and naming the emotion, you let your child know that these emotions are real, they hurt, and it is ok that they hurt.
Keep it short and sweet. In times of high emotion, it can be challenging to take in information. Let your child know you are there for them, and it is ok to feel all the emotions.

The Do Nots:

Do not use the word “but”. This word can come off as invalidating. “I know you are sad, but… ” sounds as though the sadness does not matter.
Do not problem solve- There is space and time for problem solving. That has to come after the validation.

Thinking back to the earlier example of your child having a fight on the playground, here is an example of a validation sentence:

“Friend conflicts are painful, you are sad, and it is ok this hurts“

In this example we have: named and spoken to the emotion present, and we made space to give value to the pain that is present.

Ok, Now We Can Go Into Problem Solving

Using language as a superpower means understanding how information is processed. This can be explained by looking at the logical vs emotional mind. Essentially, we have two brains–one for emotion and one for logic.

When in “emotion brain”, the way we see the world is through the lens of that emotion. Kind of like rose colored glasses, except they are emotion colored. Therefore, your first step is helping your child move from the emotional mind to the “logic mind”.

One of the best ways to achieve this goal is with language (I know, did not see that one coming). Naming and giving space for the emotion to exist lowers the intensity of the emotion.

Think of it like a pot of boiling water on a stove while someone is trying to teach you a second language. If that water is boiling over, you are not paying attention to the lesson. Instead, you are naturally distracted by the big pot of boiling water.

Your child’s emotions are like a boiling pot of water. You need to turn down the heat

on the stove before your child can engage in logic mind conversation. By touching into the emotional mind and giving worth to this part, we lower the heat of the stove. Once you and your child have moved from emotion mind to logic mind, we can begin to help resolve the original conflict.

Remember: validate first, then problem-solve. Name the emotion, give it space to exist, and then collaborate on solutions when your child is ready.

It’s Ok To Not Have All The Answers

You do not have to have all the answers. Going to write that again- you do not need to have all the answers.

Sometimes the best solutions come from you and your child collaborating on how to address the concern. Doing so can help build your child’s confidence and demonstrate to your child that they have the tools and ideas to find solutions for themselves. Look at this as an exchange of ideas and a conversation.

If you really want to level up your powers, using open-ended language/questions such as…

What do you want to try?
How about you, what do you think?
What do you think you can do?

These open-ended questions include your child in the solution part of the conversation.

Now that you have these superpowers in your toolkit, you are ready to try this at home!

Begin Working with a Child Therapist in Branchburg NJ

Ready to put these superpowers into practice? You’re not alone in this parenting journey! Start working with one of our therapists to help you hone in on your superpowers.

Contact us at 908-224-7737 to schedule a consultation
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More Support for NJ Parents

At Brave Minds Psychological Services, we know parenting challenges sometimes need professional support. Beyond parent coaching and family therapy, we offer specialized treatment for:

When everyday strategies aren’t enough, our compassionate therapists help you build stronger emotional connections and create a nurturing environment where your family can thrive. Contact us today to learn how we can support your parenting journey.