There is such a wide range of the kinds of grief we experience in life. If you’ve experienced grief before, you might recognize and name those old, familiar feelings when they resurface. However, for those who haven’t experienced grief before, it can be confusing, scary, and lonely.
The truth is grief shows up in many different ways. Grief can be triggered by any kind of loss in life. Grief and loss can look like:
An event:
- Death
- Move
- Not getting into your choice of college
- Your favorite playmate going to a different school
An experience:
- Infertility
- Infidelity
- Divorce
It can be even more ambiguous
- Losing contact with someone who is still alive
- A life-changing diagnosis or medical issue
- When reality doesn’t match the dreams you had for yourself
Really it can be any permanent disruption to our routines, beliefs, or views of the world.
What Does A Child Understand About Grief?
Children do not understand permanence of loss until around ages 6-9 years old. This means your child may notice that someone important is no longer around, like realizing their grandparent isn’t coming to visit anymore, but they may not yet grasp that this change is permanent or how deeply it will affect their life over time. For a child, grief can be losing a loved one or even a relatively “simple” change such as their playmate moving to a new school. As adults, it can be difficult to predict what the emotional impact will be solely based on the situation. Sometimes we can be blindsided as parents, when our child is crushed by a “small” change but seemingly unphased by something life altering.
Why does my child not seem sad?
Sometimes parents are surprised when their child seems cheerful or even laughs while talking about something that was clearly a big loss such as moving away from a favorite teacher, leaving their old school, or no longer getting to play with a best friend. One reason might be that your child hasn’t fully understood the permanence of the change or what it really means for their life moving forward. Another reason is that this might actually be their way of coping.
Have you ever laughed so hard till you cried? Or felt really sad, angry, or uncomfortable and ended up laughing? This is a beautiful phenomenon called dimorphous expression of emotion. It can be a way for our bodies to regulate intense emotional responses and relieve stress. It’s a complex interplay of brain activity from the hypothalamus (the part of our brain in charge of BIG FEELINGS). Both laughing and crying cause a release of endorphins (the hormone that makes us feel better). Our bodies are incredible.
Another reason could be that they are trying to protect you. They may have observed that bringing up the loved one in a more positive way appears to shield you from experiencing sadness. Which leads me to the next subject…
Does my child seeing me cry make me a weak parent?
Let’s reframe this together. It is actually healthy for our kids to see us grieve, mourn, and cry. It validates for them that it is normal and healthy to feel sad, angry, frustrated or even confused around loss. Watching you grieve gives them a window into how to process the variety of emotions that may be welling up in them. It gives them permission to feel all the big feelings that they may be holding in or pushing down. “You know mommy really misses …”, “My heart hurts and tears help my body feel better”. Seeing you be “strong” for them, may even reinforce their need to be “strong” for you. Children frequently want to protect parents in times of grief. Being “strong” can also communicate that these feelings are too dangerous. If we let them out, they may drown us
How do I understand my child’s grief?
Watch their behaviors. Whether big or small, our children communicate with their behaviors and most often through play and peer interactions. View their behaviors through a lens of grace. Maybe their tantrums are indicating a feeling of complete confusion and loss of autonomy or control in their environment.
Grief in children might show up in unexpected ways. For example, repetitive play, such as acting out the same scene over and over with dolls or action figures, can be a way they’re trying to make sense of something confusing or overwhelming. A child whose best friend moved away might repeatedly “send off” a toy on a pretend bus. They’re processing the loss in the language they know best: play.
You may also notice more frequent tantrums, especially in younger children. These moments may not be about defiance but could reflect internal chaos or a sense of powerlessness and confusion about changes they don’t fully understand.
This doesn’t mean giving them a free-pass to act in destructive ways, but it gives some perspective to why they may be acting the way they are acting. Children often don’t express grief the way adults do. Instead of talking about how they feel, they tend to show us through behavior, play, and interactions with others. As parents and caregivers, it’s important to observe these behaviors through a lens of curiosity and compassion.
Anxiety-based behaviors can also increase. Your child may become unusually clingy, have trouble separating at school or bedtime, or express constant worries. Others may respond in the opposite way by appearing completely unaffected or pretending like nothing has changed. This doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It may simply be their way of staying in control or avoiding the discomfort of big feelings they don’t yet know how to express.
And just like we discussed earlier, your child may laugh or act upbeat while talking about something difficult. That doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t hurting. It may be how they’re managing feelings that feel too big to fully name.
All of these behaviors are messages. They are invitations for connection, regulation, and reassurance. This doesn’t mean allowing hurtful or destructive behavior, but understanding the why behind their actions can help you respond in a way that is both supportive and grounded.
How do I hold boundaries in place with my grieving child?
Holding boundaries flexible. Children need to know their world is not falling apart but they also need the space to process what is happening. It can be very helpful in times of stress to maintain a child’s routine. They go to school, do their activities and have dinner and bedtime at the same time. But you may find sometimes they are having a hard time and you need to throw the routine out the window. You take a mental health day and have dinner at their favorite fast food spot.
Perhaps they refuse to go to bed one night and you decide that holding them while they thrash and cry is really what they need. Other nights, it’s important to stick to the routine and everyone to go to bed on time. It’s important to be thoughtful but not rigid or chaotic.
Boundaries of safety can actually give your child a sense of security. This may look like: “I can see that you are feeling really angry. It is okay to feel angry, but It is never okay to hurt others with our bodies or words. In our family, we choose kindness even when we feel angry or sad. What is something we can do together instead?”
So how do I help my child through their grief?
The best example I could give you is this precious children’s book The Rabbit Listened.
It isn’t about doing or saying the “right thing”. It is about holding space for your child’s feelings and following their lead.
- Model your own grief
Let your child see you feeling sad or missing someone. This helps normalize emotional expression and shows them that it’s okay to feel deeply. - Name and express emotions
Use simple language to describe what you’re feeling. For example, “I feel really sad today because I miss Grandpa.” This gives your child emotional vocabulary and permission to express themselves too. - Keep consistent boundaries
Routines and structure help children feel safe, even in the midst of emotional upheaval. Maintain core expectations with flexibility and compassion. - Follow your child’s lead
Let them guide the pace of their grief. Some kids may want to talk right away, while others might process slowly or in private ways. - Use creative outlets like art or music
Drawing, painting, journaling, listening to or playing music can all serve as meaningful tools for expressing emotions that are hard to put into words. - Revisit the conversation
Grief doesn’t resolve in one talk. Be ready for questions, big feelings, and new thoughts to pop up over time — sometimes in unexpected ways. - Reassure and stay present
Remind them that they are not alone, and that all their feelings are welcome. Your consistent, calm presence is one of the most powerful supports you can offer.
How Long Should My Child Be Grieving?
Within the world of grief, it is also so important to remember that grief doesn’t have a timeline. Grief can be described as being like “the weather”. It is always changing! Sometimes it feels like a sweet, sunny day and then you get a rain shower out of nowhere. Other times it may feel like dark stormy days for weeks on end. Sometimes it feels like a beautiful sunny day with no clouds in sight.
Regardless of the weather, you and your child can work together to prepare for these various seasons through building healthy coping skills and having a resilience building way to process through all the big, diverse feelings as they come up.
Child Grief Counseling in NJ is Available
Brave Minds is proud to provide compassionate support for children navigating grief and loss. Watching your child struggle with big emotions—whether from losing a loved one, experiencing a major life change, or processing feelings they can’t quite name—can leave you feeling helpless and uncertain about how to help. The confusion, behavioral changes, and unexpected ways grief shows up in children can be overwhelming for the whole family.
Don’t let your child face grief alone. Follow these simple steps to start your journey toward healing and support:
- Reach out for a free phone consultation with a child grief specialist who understands how children process loss
- Start meeting with a therapist who recognizes that children grieve differently than adults and knows how to meet them where they are
- Begin building a toolkit of age-appropriate coping strategies that honor your child’s feelings while helping them develop healthy ways to navigate loss!
Call Brave Minds Psychological Services at 908-224-7727 today and discover how specialized child grief therapy can help your family find connection, understanding, and resilience during this difficult time.
Supporting the Whole Family through Childhood Grief
At Brave Minds, we understand that when a child grieves, the entire family is affected. Beyond specialized child grief therapy, we offer:
- Family Therapy and couples counseling to help parents stay united while navigating their own feelings of loss
- Therapy for children and teens at every developmental stage
- EMDR therapy for processing traumatic loss and overwhelming emotions
- Parent coaching to help you understand grief behaviors and respond with confidence
- Grief counseling that honors how children express loss—through play, behavior, and connection
Building this support network ensures your child doesn’t navigate grief alone, and that you have the guidance needed to shepherd your family through this difficult season with understanding and hope.